Congratulations,
bargain-savvy traveler, on your choice of a Minimal Cholera Cruise Lines economy
cruise aboard our proud flagship, the M/S
Abrasion. Your adventure in thrifty
vacationing begins sharply at 0400 the day prior to your departure as you form
a queue for the pre-boarding boarding (boing!) queue. You will notice three
areas denoted by ‘condiment’ trails on the floor of the loading dock (which to
keep our costs down doubles as a slaughterhouse when not in use for boarding): the
‘ketchup’ area is for our Premium-class passengers, who will be processed in
the luxury pens with mosquito netting on the left, and naturally will be
boarded long before you even glimpse the ship; the ‘mustard’ area is for Cruise-class
passengers who will have no more than a thirty-six hour wait to board; and the ‘expired
mayonnaise’ area is reserved for Economy-class passengers, also known by the
technical term ‘ballast.’ While there are no seats in the Economy-class waiting
area, passengers are welcome to make use of the hooks suspended from chains
attached to the ceiling every twenty feet for their convenience. Bring along
paper towels for an optimal experience.
As soon as the Cruise-class
passengers have completed the pre-boarding process and are boarding the ship
along the Cruise-class gangplank through the engine room, the Economy-class
pre-boarding will begin. During pre-boarding you will be divested of any cash,
credit cards, weapons, or dignity you may be carrying in order to ensure your “safety.”
(Thanks for the idea, TSA!) You will be issued an MCCL “Power of Attorney” Card
that you can use to charge alcoholic beverages, upgrades to show seating, spa
visits, potable water, breathing air, and final resting place arrangements.
Your photo and a DNA sample will be taken to simplify identification of bodies
by the Coast Guard. You may also purchase elegantly framed copies of this photo
or the printout of your DNA electrophoresis gel using the POA Card.
When all Economy-class passengers
have undergone the pre-boarding humiliation process, boarding can begin.
Passengers will enter the boarding catapult and be given one free chance to
land on either the fore or aft decks. If the initial attempt is unsuccessful,
passengers will be fished out of the water and may elect to place the charge
for trying again on the POA Card.
Once on board, all passengers will
report immediately to their assigned cabins to prepare for the abandon ship
drill. Economy-class cabins are located in the lower decks, just below the
engine room, in the area known in nautical terminology as the “bilge.” Access
to the Economy-class cabins is provided via a series of ladders located on the
extreme stern end of the ship. Passenger baggage will be lowered via a block
and tackle system located on the lowest deck served by elevators, the Thresher
deck. Gratuities for the baggage manglers will be charged to your POA Card.
As soon as passengers have reached
their cabins, they should immediately don their life vests by removing the
cushions from their cabin chairs and slipping their arms through the straps on
the lower side. Thus equipped, they should report to their assigned evacuation
assembly points, which for economy-class passengers are located in front of the
retro-fitted torpedo tubes that run alongside the main engine shafts. Diving
masks to minimize eye damage in case of emergency evacuation are available for
a fee that will be charged to your POA Card.
After the abandon ship drill has
been completed, passengers are free to return to their cabins. Economy-class cabins
are configured a bit differently from all others. Once you have replaced the
two chair cushions, stand on one of the chairs, hug the left wall as closely as
possible, and pull the lever on that wall just above your head. This will drop
the bed from the ceiling. Be certain any other occupants of the cabin are
standing out in the gangway prior to dropping the bed to avoid concussions. If
you do get a concussion, a small complimentary service charge will appear on
your POA Card.
There is a hatch in the floor of
each cabin that provides storage space for your luggage. Please make use of the
complimentary plastic zip bags before you store items in the floor compartment,
as it gets a bit damp down there. If the door is difficult to open, climb up to
the engine room and ask one of the mechanic’s mates for some oil. The resident rats will not bother you so long
as you keep them well-fed and avoid placing or retrieving luggage with the
scent of cheese on your hands. Rat bites will be charged to your POA Card.
The M/S Abrasion has a wide variety
of entertainment, some of which can be accessed by Economy-class passengers
(hereafter referred to as “Ecs”). On the Lusitania Deck there are three Casinos
available to Ecs: Loaded Dice, Five Aces, and House Wins. Minimum bet is $5 at all tables and maximum winnings
are $250. Losses are limited to the tax-accessed value of your total real
property, plus interest. All losses and winnings will be deducted from your POA
Card.
While the Piano Bars are reserved
for Cruise and Premium class passengers, Ecs may visit either the Accordion or
Cowbell Bars on the Morro Castle Deck. To reduce the hazards of second-hand
smoke to our non-smoking passengers, smoking is allowed only at odd-numbered
tables. Cover charges and mandatory tips will be placed on the POA Card.
For Ecs kiddies, the Cyclops Deck is
the Place to Be. We’ve combined our popular petting zoo and ball pit play zones
into a new concept that is exclusive to the M/S
Abrasion: the Ball Python Pit. There is also the Marine-go-round, where
children maneuver on the rotating ship’s wheel, trying not to be the one flung
through an open porthole when it suddenly stops Flingees may be retrieved for a
nominal charge to your POA Card.
If
none of these activities hits the spot, grab the swim trunks and head up to the
Andrea Doria Deck and our unique Adventurequarium, where kids can actually swim
with such exotic sea creatures as lionfish, stonefish, stingrays, and blue-ringed
octopus. Resuscitation, antivenin, emergency amputation, or any other medical
procedures resulting from Adventurequarium encounters will be billed to your POA
Card.
The jogging track, tennis courts,
and miniature golf course of the uppermost decks are off limits to Ecs, but that
doesn’t mean you can’t get in a little fun in the sun. On both the port and
starboard sides of Grandcamp Deck there are nets strung exclusively for our Ecs.
Merely leap from the deck into the net (don’t miss) and enjoy the sun for as
long as you like. When you’ve had enough sun, just crawl over to one end and
drop off on the deck below. Try to hit the foam mats placed there for your
safety (unless some prankster has run off with them again). Any resulting
medical charges will, of course, be placed on your POA Card.
We have even arranged an exciting
shore adventure exclusively for Ecs. On day four of your cruise we will be
docking off the beautiful uninhabited archipelago of Puerto de Ratas while we
rendezvous with a refueling tanker and any of our Ecs who wish may climb down
the starboard ladder, jump in the warm waters of the lagoon, and swim to shore
to explore a wild, untamed Caribbean island. We advise anyone who wants to take
part in this excursion to please report to the medical office the day prior to
receive a series of precautionary inoculations. Re-boarding will be
accomplished by slinging a rope over from the lowest deck and hauling Ecs back
up one at a time. All of this will, naturally, be charged to your POA Card.
When we return to our home port, Ecs
are free to disembark as soon as the last of the crew has left. Once you have
cleared customs through the disembarkation chutes, Ecs passengers may pick
through the baggage pile on the dock and carry away any fragments of their
belongings that may have survived the drop from the Quarterdeck.
Thank you for sailing with Minimal
Cholera Cruise Lines and we hope that, in the unlikely event you succeed in
paying off the POA Card and choose to join us on the High Seas once more, you
won’t be such an insufferable cheapskate.
