Cruise Lose

           Congratulations, bargain-savvy traveler, on your choice of a Minimal Cholera Cruise Lines economy cruise aboard our proud flagship, the M/S Abrasion. Your adventure in thrifty vacationing begins sharply at 0400 the day prior to your departure as you form a queue for the pre-boarding boarding (boing!) queue. You will notice three areas denoted by ‘condiment’ trails on the floor of the loading dock (which to keep our costs down doubles as a slaughterhouse when not in use for boarding): the ‘ketchup’ area is for our Premium-class passengers, who will be processed in the luxury pens with mosquito netting on the left, and naturally will be boarded long before you even glimpse the ship; the ‘mustard’ area is for Cruise-class passengers who will have no more than a thirty-six hour wait to board; and the ‘expired mayonnaise’ area is reserved for Economy-class passengers, also known by the technical term ‘ballast.’ While there are no seats in the Economy-class waiting area, passengers are welcome to make use of the hooks suspended from chains attached to the ceiling every twenty feet for their convenience. Bring along paper towels for an optimal experience.

            As soon as the Cruise-class passengers have completed the pre-boarding process and are boarding the ship along the Cruise-class gangplank through the engine room, the Economy-class pre-boarding will begin. During pre-boarding you will be divested of any cash, credit cards, weapons, or dignity you may be carrying in order to ensure your “safety.” (Thanks for the idea, TSA!) You will be issued an MCCL “Power of Attorney” Card that you can use to charge alcoholic beverages, upgrades to show seating, spa visits, potable water, breathing air, and final resting place arrangements. Your photo and a DNA sample will be taken to simplify identification of bodies by the Coast Guard. You may also purchase elegantly framed copies of this photo or the printout of your DNA electrophoresis gel using the POA Card.

            When all Economy-class passengers have undergone the pre-boarding humiliation process, boarding can begin. Passengers will enter the boarding catapult and be given one free chance to land on either the fore or aft decks. If the initial attempt is unsuccessful, passengers will be fished out of the water and may elect to place the charge for trying again on the POA Card.

            Once on board, all passengers will report immediately to their assigned cabins to prepare for the abandon ship drill. Economy-class cabins are located in the lower decks, just below the engine room, in the area known in nautical terminology as the “bilge.” Access to the Economy-class cabins is provided via a series of ladders located on the extreme stern end of the ship. Passenger baggage will be lowered via a block and tackle system located on the lowest deck served by elevators, the Thresher deck. Gratuities for the baggage manglers will be charged to your POA Card.

            As soon as passengers have reached their cabins, they should immediately don their life vests by removing the cushions from their cabin chairs and slipping their arms through the straps on the lower side. Thus equipped, they should report to their assigned evacuation assembly points, which for economy-class passengers are located in front of the retro-fitted torpedo tubes that run alongside the main engine shafts. Diving masks to minimize eye damage in case of emergency evacuation are available for a fee that will be charged to your POA Card.

            After the abandon ship drill has been completed, passengers are free to return to their cabins. Economy-class cabins are configured a bit differently from all others. Once you have replaced the two chair cushions, stand on one of the chairs, hug the left wall as closely as possible, and pull the lever on that wall just above your head. This will drop the bed from the ceiling. Be certain any other occupants of the cabin are standing out in the gangway prior to dropping the bed to avoid concussions. If you do get a concussion, a small complimentary service charge will appear on your POA Card.

            There is a hatch in the floor of each cabin that provides storage space for your luggage. Please make use of the complimentary plastic zip bags before you store items in the floor compartment, as it gets a bit damp down there. If the door is difficult to open, climb up to the engine room and ask one of the mechanic’s mates for some oil.  The resident rats will not bother you so long as you keep them well-fed and avoid placing or retrieving luggage with the scent of cheese on your hands. Rat bites will be charged to your POA Card.

            The M/S Abrasion has a wide variety of entertainment, some of which can be accessed by Economy-class passengers (hereafter referred to as “Ecs”). On the Lusitania Deck there are three Casinos available to Ecs: Loaded Dice, Five Aces, and House Wins. Minimum bet is $5 at all tables and maximum winnings are $250. Losses are limited to the tax-accessed value of your total real property, plus interest. All losses and winnings will be deducted from your POA Card.

            While the Piano Bars are reserved for Cruise and Premium class passengers, Ecs may visit either the Accordion or Cowbell Bars on the Morro Castle Deck. To reduce the hazards of second-hand smoke to our non-smoking passengers, smoking is allowed only at odd-numbered tables. Cover charges and mandatory tips will be placed on the POA Card.

            For Ecs kiddies, the Cyclops Deck is the Place to Be. We’ve combined our popular petting zoo and ball pit play zones into a new concept that is exclusive to the M/S Abrasion: the Ball Python Pit. There is also the Marine-go-round, where children maneuver on the rotating ship’s wheel, trying not to be the one flung through an open porthole when it suddenly stops Flingees may be retrieved for a nominal charge to your POA Card.

If none of these activities hits the spot, grab the swim trunks and head up to the Andrea Doria Deck and our unique Adventurequarium, where kids can actually swim with such exotic sea creatures as lionfish, stonefish, stingrays, and blue-ringed octopus. Resuscitation, antivenin, emergency amputation, or any other medical procedures resulting from Adventurequarium encounters will be billed to your POA Card.

            The jogging track, tennis courts, and miniature golf course of the uppermost decks are off limits to Ecs, but that doesn’t mean you can’t get in a little fun in the sun. On both the port and starboard sides of Grandcamp Deck there are nets strung exclusively for our Ecs. Merely leap from the deck into the net (don’t miss) and enjoy the sun for as long as you like. When you’ve had enough sun, just crawl over to one end and drop off on the deck below. Try to hit the foam mats placed there for your safety (unless some prankster has run off with them again). Any resulting medical charges will, of course, be placed on your POA Card.

            We have even arranged an exciting shore adventure exclusively for Ecs. On day four of your cruise we will be docking off the beautiful uninhabited archipelago of Puerto de Ratas while we rendezvous with a refueling tanker and any of our Ecs who wish may climb down the starboard ladder, jump in the warm waters of the lagoon, and swim to shore to explore a wild, untamed Caribbean island. We advise anyone who wants to take part in this excursion to please report to the medical office the day prior to receive a series of precautionary inoculations. Re-boarding will be accomplished by slinging a rope over from the lowest deck and hauling Ecs back up one at a time. All of this will, naturally, be charged to your POA Card.

            When we return to our home port, Ecs are free to disembark as soon as the last of the crew has left. Once you have cleared customs through the disembarkation chutes, Ecs passengers may pick through the baggage pile on the dock and carry away any fragments of their belongings that may have survived the drop from the Quarterdeck.

            Thank you for sailing with Minimal Cholera Cruise Lines and we hope that, in the unlikely event you succeed in paying off the POA Card and choose to join us on the High Seas once more, you won’t be such an insufferable cheapskate.