Alienware Atrocity

I don't customarily use blogs to rant about defective products or unscrupulous manufacturers, but I'm going to make an exception here because the "correct" route has gotten me nothing but frustrated.

In February of 2008 my loving wife bought me an Alienware Area 51 M9750 laptop for Valentine's day, to help me make productive use of the down time during a four week training TDY. The total cost for this extravagant (and amazingly considerate) show of affection was $2,864.23--which was a lot of moolah for a frigging laptop in 2008 (still is, for that matter).

Immediately the laptop had an issue, in that despite being supposedly state-of-the-art for gaming wouldn't run most of the games I put on it, no matter if they were recent or older. It came with Vista; I figured that was the problem and loaded XP SP2. Same issues, precisely. Odd. After a few days it began to reboot spontaneously, which it still does. As a result of this quirk (probably a motherboard issue), I can't really use it for anything.

In August of 2008, I finally had enough and contacted Alienware customer "support." After several days of exchanging emails in which they apologized but refused to do anything about it, my final response from them was "You are a valued customer and we apologize for the inconvenience caused." That's it. Not even a "Here's a Return Authorization number; send it back and we'll come up with a way to claim it was your fault." So, I just wrote it off as an expensive mistake and carried on with my life.

When Dell took over Alienware, I was hopeful that customer service might now consist of something less Douglas Adamsesque than simply, "we apologize for the inconvenience." I gave them a few months to get Alienware fully integrated into the company and then tried again.

The chief problem with Dell Customer Service is that it resembles an IQ test: there are a lot of questions and puzzles to solve and then...nothing happens. At least with an IQ test you get a score at the end. They insist on you having a bunch of numbers you won't have if you bought your Alienware machine prior to the merger; if you try an alternate route as a result you get exactly nowhere, or at least Igot exactly nowhere. Needless to say, I will never buy another Alienware anything, and strongly discourage any of my readers from making the grave mistake of falling for their probably largely self-generated reputation, as well. I even went so far as to praise Alienware Area 51's in my first novel. The next time they appear in one of my novels it won't be in a positive light, I promise you.

So, in summary, my wife paid $2,864.23 to buy me a rubberized paperweight, for which the scoundrels who sold it to her "apologize for the inconvenience caused" but nothing more.

Oh, but it does have a cool alien face on the lid.

Goblinopolis: You Know You Crave It

And here is where you can satisfy that gnawing craving: Paperback or Kindle. Share and enjoy!

Lululemon Athletica CEO Application

I'm not at all a fan of the traditional job application process: it's stuffy, boring, bureaucratic, and honestly doesn't generate the information HR actually needs in order to make a credible decision about whether or not to forward your application to the hiring official.

This job announcement is probably in the top five I've encountered in my 35 years in the professional job market, so I decided to apply. Since, as I said, I'm not into the traditional route, I'll apply via my blog. If they're really interested in hiring someone with these qualities, they will search the Web and find my application. If they don't find that a viable application route, I probably wouldn't do well as their CEO, anyway. If you put someone who constantly thinks way outside the box in a box, he can no longer think at all because his thinking is now separated from his brain and has no way to get expressed. I'm not the type to sit there and make stuff up all day, like most executives. I actually enjoy thinking, even at work. But I can't do it very well in a box. Not that I've ever actually been asked to work in a box. I wonder if I could think outside the box in an actual box? I think we're skating off into Irrelevancia, my adopted homeland. Since you're all undocumented aliens, we'll have to stay on this side of the border for now.

Claimer (I dislike disclaimers: they're so negative and everything): The text in bold print below is copyright (c) 2013 by Lululemon Athletica--at least I presume so. What I claim here (since this is a claimer) is that I didn't write it.

CEO

lululemon athletica

Founded in 1998 in beautiful Vancouver, BC lululemon athletica creates components for people to live long, healthy and fun lives.

That covers a broad range of products. You must have an enormous production facility. Unless you mean "a few relatively small and easy to store" components. As a lifelong humorist I have a great deal of experience in your field. I'm not sure reading my humor will actually allow you to live longer, but at least it will seem that way. Laughter is the best medicine, so I've got "healthy" covered. If humor isn't fun, I don't know what is. And I do (know what is).

description

You report to no one, you are the CEO (duh). You are passionate about doing chief executive officer type stuff like making decisions, having a vision and being the head boss person.

To be brutally honest, I don't report to anyone even when I have an office job. I just send off random emails I copy from sites that pertain to our line of business and the boss never knows the difference. In fact, she thinks I'm innovative and well-informed. I would say I'm passionate about making decisions, so long as those decisions involve ale selection, which new Ham radio or computer equipment to buy, or chocolate. I do have a vision, although it needs optical enhancement when I'm driving or reading fine print. I also have an envision, which is that I envision taking the company to new, unimagined heights through my incredible ability to navigate the tortuous class-5 rapids of the business world by telling everyone exactly what they want to hear and then taking my golden parachute when we can't deliver on any of those promises. But come on, isn't that really what most every CEO does? I'm just admitting it up front. Refreshing, isn't it?

a day in the life of a chief executive officer

• You communicate powerfully, often through Sanskrit

  ଏତତ୍ ଅହଂ ନ ଜ୍ଞାତବାନ୍। ହମ ଈ ନହି ବୁଝଲହୁଁ। !

• You are disciplined, focused and can hold headstand for at least 10 minutes

  I like discipline (in the right circumstances), I am focused after my third cup of coffee, and I can hold a reverse headstand for about fifteen minutes before I have to sit down (I have a bad back).

• You’re a long-term thinker. You already have a plan to bring yoga and luon to Mars by 2018

  I think so far into the future, it wraps around to the past. I not only plan to bring yoga and luon (I must confess, I though luon was a subatomic particle), I'll bring along Tai Chi and Chai Tea, as well. And scones.

• You break all the rules like getting your OM-on (loudly) whenever the urge arises

  I can't tell from this sentence grammatically whether getting your OM-on (loudly) occurs before or after the rule is broken. At any rate, "OM" to me means "Old Man," a term in amateur radio for any male operator. Since I would have radio equipment in a corner of my executive office, I would in a manner of speaking "get my OM-on (loudly)" whenever the urge arose. But the underlying premise of this statement seems to me to be pretty shaky, since as CEO I can simply exempt myself from whatever rule it is to which you are referring. Case closed.

• You elevate and cultivate the level of talent within the senior leadership team by holding The Bachelor lululemon. Only one successful SVP will get the final rose

  This sounds like some Polynesian sacrificial ceremony that ends with the SVP holding the rose being thrown into a live volcano. I'm down with that, actually.

• Not only do you lead the organization to create components for people to live long, healthy and fun lives, you know the secret to how they got the caramel in the Caramilk bar

  I can do you one better. I'll show you how to get it out without disturbing the chocolate shell.

• You wear The Mansy to lead our company-wide morning chant and kombucha ritual

  I've always worn the Mansy in my family, thank you very much. I'll be happy to lead the company anywhere you like so long as there is coffee at the far end. I have no idea what kombucha is, but given your track record with rituals, I can make a pretty good guess.

the finer print

• Your go-to party trick is your dead-on impression of the yogi in “Sh*T Yogis Say”

  I'm more of the "Sh*T Yogi Said" kinda guy. It's like déjà vu, all over again.

• You voted for Pedro

  The only Pedro I ever knew was a donkey. I probably would have voted for him, though. Better to vote for the jackass you know than ballot for one you know not of.

• You have Chip Wilson, Bill Clinton, Ellen DeGeneres and Oprah Winfrey on speed dial

  I have Flip Wilson, Bill The Cat, Helen of Troy, and Opie Taylor on mine.

• You actively live and breathe the lululemon culture – on Friday afternoons you hit up wheatgrass and tequila shots (it’s called work/life balance)

  I actively live and breathe. I like culture in my buttermilk, cheese, yogurt, and movies. I hit wheatgrass any chance I get, with whatever blunt instrument is available (I prefer didgeridoos). I never hit tequila, especially if it's Patron Añejo.

• You use your third eye to channel innovation

  I have a total of twenty seven eyes. I had twenty-eight, but there was a sports accident where I lost both an eye and the associated hyphen. I can channel innovation on HF, VHF, UHF, and even microwave if you like. I can also channel Groucho Marx, James Thurber, Robert Benchley, and Cynric of Bedwyn, a late ninth-century Anglo-Saxon thegn.

• Your lineage is directly related to Phidippides

  I'm not aware of any spiders in my lineage, although since you're looking with someone with at least three eyes, I can see why you would ask. I may have a few velociraptors and possibly the odd Giant Moa in the woodpile, but no arachnids.

• You own yoga

  I did once briefly own a Yugo. Does that count? Yoga gives me a rash. And hives. And headaches. And gout. And scoliosis. And Cotard's Syndrome.